All Friends Now

Messrs Cameron and Clegg have reached an agreement. They're rolling up their sleeves and tucking into the deficit, the recession and other myriad problems we face. Good luck to them. This blog has reached its conclusion.

Unless, of course, we are forced to have another election later in the year. In which case, I still won't vote.

X

8PM. New PM

Guess it's only fair to give Cameron the chance to tidy up the mess we find ourselves in. Any other pact between the losing parties would have been a travesty.

Biggest Segment Of Public Ignored

It's all very well saying, well the majority of people didn't vote for this party or that party. But spare a thought for the millions of people who didn't vote at all. People like me, who washed their hands of the political system. Who said 'they're all as bad as each other, so I'm not voting for any of them.' I'm not responsible if taxes rise or the standard of living falls. Yet I have to go along with whatever gets decided.

Still No One In Charge

Last time I looked, no one was running the country. People must be wondering what the hell they voted for. I was wondering that from the start. Think we'll end up with some seedy LibLab pact with a smattering of Welsh and Scottish loyalists sticking their oar in. A disgrace really, given that the Tories got the most votes. It's a right old mess. Maybe let's try having no one running the country for a while. See how that goes.

Another Election This Year?

Wayhey. That means another chance not to vote. Word on the (Downing) street is that there may have to be another election this year to vote on all this uncertainty, and hopefully elect a party that will definitely go back on some of its promises, rather than the mish mash Compromise Party this first election has left us with.

What a mess

Still no government. No PM to lambast. Demonstrations in London by people wearing purple - a new party? Journalists clueless about what's going on. All speculating about what could happen. Markets on the verge of collapse. And it's all my fault because I didn't vote.

Late Voters

Saw scenes of people queuing to vote last night, and not being allowed to because of the ten o'clock deadline. Come on. The stations were open for 13 hours. Not all of you had to work all day. Learn the lesson and get to places in good time instead of moping around at home all day and leaving things to the last minute.

Was it worth it?

No winner. No government. No stability.

The Best Part Of The Election

Seeing the scores come in. Seeing how people can predict the whole nation's vote from just a few results. Proof that people are the same wherever you go. And a trend in one area will be reflected across the country. Us humans are disappointingly unoriginal. I vote for change.

Just Back From The Polling Station

Not really.

Election Eve

Ooo. It's like Christmas Eve. But without the excitement and anticipation of the next day. Mind you, with the hours the party leaders have been spending travelling around the constituencies, desperately trying to drum up last minute support, I wouldn't be surprised if someone tried to get down my chimney tonight to secure my vote. Who'll be the turkey tomorrow? The polls seem to suggest that all three are going to have a similar size vote in their stockings. And like those stockings, parliament will be hung.

Tactical Voting

Apparently that's what the Labour party want people to do to stop letting the Tories in (or more likely, to make the margin of defeat for their own party less embarrassing). But there's no room for tactics in a polling booth. There's barely room for a pen, paper and a person. I think these places should be made a little more inviting. Maybe a little chair on which to ponder what is, after all, a very important decision. And how about tea, coffee, biscuits? Some brain food. Starbucks have missed a trick there. Maybe next election. Make the polling booth more alluring and you may attract some extra voters. Now which biscuits? Rich Tea if you vote Tory, Chocolate Gordon Brownies for the Labour supporters, and one with something nice and yellow in the middle for the Lib Dems - Custard Creams. Mmmm.

Whatever Happened to the Fun Parties?

By their very name, parties are supposed to be fun. Political parties have to be the least fun parties I can think of. Seems in this evermore serious age in which less and less youngsters smoke and drink, fewer political parties are just there for the fun of it. It's not the winning, it's the talking about farts that counts. Bring back The Monster Raving Looney Party. Then I might bother to vote.

Reasons Not To Vote No.6

Whoever gets in will tax the hell out of you, cut services and benefits. But blame it on someone else. If you wanna support that, by all means put an X on that scrap of paper.

BBC Election Graphics

Haven't been sure about these for a while. They look like multi-coloured swizzle sticks sticking into various parts of the nation. Not sure what we should read into that, and how many cocktail-related puns can be derived from them. A Cosmopolitician anyone? Or how about a Margarita Thatcher? Rounded off with a Screaming Lord Sutch Orgasm.

The Campaign Trail

All the politicians are on it. Leaving a trail of slimey promises, like slugs wending their way over the land. Perhaps. Meanwhile, the newspapers are revealing their allegiances. The Guardian has turned its back on Labour in favour of the LibDems. And The Times is backing the Tories again, for the first time in a generation. Dunno what that all means, but I do know a newspaper would never sway me to vote for one party over another. Especially papers with tricky crosswords like those mentioned above.

Floating Voters

There's plenty of them about, apparently. Floating face down in water, probably. Sick to death of the hyperbole, the constant avoidance of answering a direct question. The being all smiley when there's a camera around, then spitting vile rhetoric when they think no one's listening. Floating is the best way for a voter to be. Rise above it all. Take the higher ground and have nothing to do with it. Just keep on paying those taxes, bailing out those bankers, giving those MPs a secure, well-paid job for five years.

The Third Debate

This was dull. The three lads were talking about policies we've heard before. Knew what was coming most of the time and flicked over to the football. Still, in a week's time it'll all be over.

All getting a bit too familiar

Keep seeing confrontations between politicians and the general public on the news. PMs-to-be with their sleeves rolled up, their collars open and low profile security as they walk among the hoi polloi shaking hands and drumming up support, and attracting flying eggs like, well, flies.

I know politicians want to be seen as down to earth these days, but I'm all for them maintaining a decent distance from Joseph Public. I don't recall any of the politicians from the seventies getting down and dirty with the proletariat. Politicians should be up on soap boxes at the very least, though preferably waving from bullet proof cars or preaching from the pulpit. They're not one of us. That's why they want to be Prime Minister. They should be more aloof, taking stock of what needs doing from afar, and then doing something about it. Not kissing babies or patting dogs.

Reasons Not To Vote No.5

What would the politicians do if the turn out was 0%?

The 'What If Everyone Thought Like You' Brigade

Tell some people you don't ever vote and they'll get on their high horse, and say something along the lines of 'well, if everyone thought like you, where would the world be?'

Well, everyone doesn't think like me, and neither should they. I don't value the opportunity to vote, whereas some see it as the pinnacle of freedom, the prize hard won through years of struggle. If I were a woman, Emmeline Pankhurst would surely be mentioned by those disgusted at my flippancy. They'll point out the numerous countries in which dictatorships rule and free voting doesn't exist.

I know all that. Fact remains there are enough people who will always vote, allowing people like me to fritter away the opportunity, without fearing the total collapse of society.

Does Your Vote Really Matter?

If you live in a constituency in which one party has always been dominant, then you have to say no, your vote doesn't matter. Voting Tory in some areas of the North East is a pointless waste as it's a Labour stronghold. And the reverse is true in some wards in prosperous areas of the South. But if you're in a constituency that the pollsters think could go either way, your vote might - just might - be worth something to someone. So expect a few knocks at the door, a few kisses for babies, a few handshake opportunities. Because the politicians will be in your area trying to drum-up support. And if you shake a politician's hand, you have to vote for their party. FACT! Especially if it gets filmed on TV. So watch what you shake.

Fall Out

Seems the general opinion is that last night's debate was edged by Clegg, but Cameron and Brown certainly upped their game. An opinion I wouldn't argue with. But it begs the question if there's so little to choose between the candidates, why vote for one ahead of the other. Surely no person on this earth can agree with ALL the policies put forward by a political party. Each has a good idea here and there. None has exclusive rights to top drawer ideas. So why do people feel so compelled to vote for one party ahead of another? Every vote is obviously a compromise. A case of saying, well this party has more things I agree with than the other, therefore I shall vote for them. Why not vote for the policies, then get the people who are best placed to implement them to form a government, whichever party they represent. Idealist rubbish, of course. But someone needs to kickstart the change, and that's my fourpenneth.

The Second Debate

Saw all of this one and interest was waning. A little too squeaky clean. No real conflict, which is the only thing that can hold an audience's interest. Clegg won't be taking all the plaudits this time as the other two held their own. Sadly none of the above will get me to put an X in any box on any ballot paper.

Getting closer

My word, there are literally some days to go before we all get the chance to vote and usher in another party that'll be thick on promising change in the early days of their tenure, but thin on results. The first egg has been thrown in anger. The pollsters have found a reason to justify their existence. And we're surrounded by hot air and dirt getting dished from all directions. Though that might be fall-out from that volcano.

Last chance to register to vote

Is tomorrow. Or today. I think. That was a message for the non-cynics out there, who like to believe their vote can really change things.

Leaflets Litter Letterbox

More flagrant use of paper in the run-up to the election. Must be a great time to be a printer and paper merchant. But really, the chances of me taking more than a cursory glance at any flimsy paper that gets posted through my letterbox are about as strong as getting me out to vote.

Reasons Not To Vote No.4

No one ever personally thanks you for voting for them. I mean, you're effectively helping your local MP land a well-paid job for five years, or however long a term the next parliament will last. Blimey, if someone helped me get a job that was guaranteed for that long, I couldn't thank them enough.

Compo Won By Cleggy

Seems that in the competition to 'win' the first televised debate, Clegg came out a clear winner.

The title of this post is the best thing about it, so I'll leave it there.

The First Debate

Saw a bit of it, so no one can say I'm not taking an interest. But have to say I was more fascinated by the coloured bars on the set. Who decided which order they went in? And who decided which order the leaders stood in?

UKIP

Yes, that's exactly what I do when most politics is being discussed (except if Paxman is involved).

Manifestos

My word, a lot of paper gets wasted in the course of an election campaign, doesn't it. Now, I can understand why there's no online voting yet. But there's no excuse for not having an online-only manifesto. Imagine the browny points you'd score with the greens.

Paxman

The only man who can make politics interesting. Everyone's scared of him. He asks penetrating questions and doesn't let the politicians swerve answering them. If Paxman was standing for election, he'd get my vote. Imagine him as PM. There's be no Prime Minister's Questions every week. Just agreement across the house with whatever he said. What a lad. What a legend.

Party Election Broadcasts

Great. We're going to be inundated with these five minute horrors for the next month. The Labour one is the first I've seen. Just Sean Pertwee walking along in a clumsy, obvious 'let's keep on this road to recovery and not detour off another way' type analogy.

All it lacked was A-Ha's 'Stay On These Roads' as a soundtrack. Actually, that's not all it lacked. Originality. Policies. And any sign of a politician all spring to mind. The sun certainly won't be shining on my TV when the rest of these short, sharp, shockers come on during the election run-up.

Reasons Not To Vote No.3

What a waste of paper. In an age when it could be done online. Come on techies. Sort it out in time for the next election. Which could be soon if it's a hung parliament.

Voting

Does all the paper that goes into the ballot boxes get recycled? Hate to think how many trees get sacrificed for the process. Time to do it online methinks.

Window Posters

Some people feel so strongly about one party, they're willing to put up a poster in their window telling everyone who they're backing. Now these are very persuasive, aren't they? Oh look, that person who lives opposite whom I've never even said hello to is a Labour supporter. Ooo, I'd better vote the same way they do.

Thankfully the majority of people don't nail their colours to the mast (or window) in such a blatant way. Probably because most of them couldn't give a you know what.

Reasons Not To Vote No.2

Many predict it's going to be a hung parliament, which is a weird way of saying no one's going to win. So why bother getting involved?

Dissolving Parliament.

You can tell the journalists are itching to get stuck into this election campaign. I had the misfortune of eating my breakfast in front of the most thorough coverage of a banal subject I've ever seen - the queen returning to Buckingham Palace by helicopter to wait for the PM to ask her to dissolve parliament. They had a helicopter filming her helicopter, and seemed genuinely miffed when it landed just out of sight of their prying cameras. Purrlease.

And while we're at it, if getting rid of everyone in the House of Commons was as easy as asking the monarch to dissolve it, you have to wonder why Guido Fawkes and his mates went to all that effort to blow up the place.

Reduce voting age to 16?

That's what 'they' want to do in the UK. And it makes sense. Because when you're that young, the idea of being able to vote is a novelty. One of the signs that you're 'all growed up'. So you're more likely to bother to vote. But in just a few short years, you'll be as cynical as the rest of us, and probably not bother.

Reasons Not To Vote No.1

You can blame other people when whichever party that wins starts introducing unpopular policies. Cue the 'well, I didn't vote for them' line.

National Insurance Scandal

A wolf in sheep's clothing, if ever I've seen such a thing (and I haven't). Just call it Income Tax Pt II. Another way to get money out of us. Why not just add it all on to income tax and have done with it? And while they're/you're at it, how about making the NI cards a bit sturdier? I've had mine for about 20 years, and I've seen two thousand year old Ancient Greek parchment in The British Museum in better condition.

Date of General Election Announced Early

... next week apparently. Can you feel the excitement and tension building? Me neither.

Brown Knows

It's all very well me knocking the election and getting all cynical about politics at my computer desk. But if Mr Brown knocked at my door (looking all smart in a suit and red rosette) and asked me if he could count on my vote this summer, I'd say I haven't decided yet, Mr Brown. Same as I'd say to Mr Cameron and the blue rosette boys and the other fella in the yella party. And they'd probably say it's important not to waste your vote. But surely a wasted vote is a vote for a party that doesn't win.

Hustings

A word you only hear every five years. Shame. As it's quite decent. Maybe it should have more meanings...

Phone Voting

Half the problem with this general election malarkey is having to find your way to a church hall you've never heard of to cast your vote. Now, what with all these reality TV shows letting people vote over the phone, surely this is the sensible way for politics to go? Even I might dial up and cast a vote from my armchair. Actually I wouldn't. Though I did phone up and vote to evict someone from Big Brother about five years ago.

Spoilt Paper

Sometimes political stories force The Sun to move their page three hit of tit back a few pages. Or, worse still, not include it at all. Now that's what I call a spoilt paper.

Vote With Your Feet

Get in the voting booth. Take your socks off (or flip flops if we're having a warm summer) and write yer X on your voting paper using your foot. That'll show 'em.

Cynical? It's not just me

Liked this.
www.labservative.com
Seems a fair reflection.
Late night for the creatives at the Labour and Tory ad agencies.
Look forward to their comeback...